Send to Kindle
There is something supremely satisfying about finding the missing piece to a puzzle. The picture just isn’t complete without it. There is a vague feeling that something is not quite right.
And when two pieces that seem so different actually fit together, it can be a surprising find.
Often the people who talk in our Twitter streams seem like imaginary friends who live in our typewriter. They have gotten to know us, though they have never met us in real time. And sometimes they don’t see the connections between us and other people they may know.
This morning a tweet passed through that made me smile. Andrea Whitmer, a web designer, said:
@bobwp I had no idea you were married to @judyleedunn. My mind is blown.
— Andrea Whitmer (@nutsandbolts) February 1, 2013
This from someone who mentioned my social media diet blog post after seeing Bob tweet about it. Somewhere in the process, she put the puzzle pieces together and connected Bob Dunn to Judy Lee Dunn.
She knew us both. Separately.
It never occurred to either of us that she didn’t know we were a couple.
For years, in real-time settings—Chamber of Commerce lunches, our in-person workshops, meetings in our marketing clients’ offices—everyone knew.
But then we took our business online. Now, with most of our presence being in the world of Twitter, on Facebook and on Google+, we have separate identities and, often, distinct communities. Although there is some overlap, Bob hangs more with designers, developers and biz owners and I talk more with writers.
For the first 10 years, we worked apart. Bob was in the restaurant business and I was a teacher, and later, a manager at an international nonprofit with projects in 125 countries. Then we started working together (still do sometimes), with our marketing and design business and our workshops for bloggers.
Can couples work together without killing each other?
It got me thinking. Living under the same roof for close to 30 years, 20 of them while working together in some way or another, is something that Bob and I have taken for granted.
It’s not a big deal.
We don’t even think about it anymore.
Until someone says (I get this a lot), “Oh, I could never work with my husband. We would kill each other.”
Or, “By dinner time we would be sick of each other and there would just be silence.”
Yes, it can be challenging and sometimes personal and work spill over each other. (“What are we having for dinner? Did you take the lasagna out of the freezer?” “Oops.”
Or “Hold that thought or write it down. I finally found the perfect line of dialogue.”).
But over time, we fine tuned the process.
It’s about knowing when to leave each other alone
We are sensitive to each other’s space and instinctively know when to back off.
Bob is particularly brilliant at picking up on my body language.:
For example:
Silence punctuated by deep sighs.
Translation: I’m struggling to find the right word.
Glazed eyes and near stupor while staring out the office window.
Translation: I’m in my character’s world right now.
The crinkling of a Twizzlers wrapper.
Translation: Stress overload caused by problems with a scene transition.
It works the other way, too. I have learned not to talk to Bob when he has his headphones on or he’s fiddling with the custom code on someone’s website or he’s mumbling to himself and scribbling notes with all kinds of numbers on them.
The upside: Bob has provided me with a lot of material for my book
Warning: Think twice about marrying a memoirist. Because you will at some point or another find yourself a character in her book.
As most of you know, I am writing a memoir called Out Tonight. The title is a play on words, referring to both the coming out of my daughter and to the recurring role she had on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, playing Monica Lewinski during the Clinton scandal years.
The danger in writing memoir is that family and friends can feel that they have become targets. But since Bob has been a calming influence in my life (he plays Sheriff Andy to my female Barney Fife), he is somewhat safe in this book.
But that isn’t always the case.
On the topic of writing something that your parents or siblings or spouse won’t like, here is one of my favorite quotes. (Not sure of the source; some people have attributed it to writer Anne Lamott):
“If the people in your life didn’t want you to write about them, they shouldn’t have behaved so poorly.”
(@bobWP does not fall into this category. Well, maybe sometimes.)
What about you?
Have you ever been in a business partnership with your spouse?
Would you ever consider it?
About the author
- More at
I do get to perform with Karl once in awhile, which is always a treat. I have a music degree but not his degree of talent. He makes anyone sound good! And when I can coerce Karl to come on school author visits or evening literacy nights to bolster the music, it adds so much! We’ve written songs together, and always use each other as a critique partner for our own writing and music. I would LOVE to work with him more often. Like you and Bob (judging from actually getting to see you in person), we’re also pretty good friends. And this kid-raising we’re doing (as much older parents) is quite the partnership! Loved hearing about your daughter… xox
Deb Lund recently posted..New Year’s Resolutions: Warm wishes for my creative friends!
Music is the perfect complement to good literature. And I’ll bet those kids love it when Karl comes along. I think being pretty good friends does have a lot to do with it.
Sounds you have a full plate these days but we wouldn’t have it any other day, right?
Judy Lee Dunn recently posted..Why Am I Here?: Navel Gazing for Writers
This is interesting Judy. Although I’ve never worked with a spouse, boyfriend, etc. I’m currently in a situation that made me think as I read your article. Over 2 years ago my father moved in with me. My office is in my home and I write. Putting it nicely, my father doesn’t necessarily get those subtle clues you mentioned. Instead he would ask me to fix his computer right before a conference call, doesn’t understand when I’m crazy before a big event and does ask what’s for dinner. I’ve learned you have to communicate all the time to help the other person understand your world, or at least give you the space you need. We’re still working through this, but your article gave me hope at the end of the tunnel.
Jen recently posted..Be Visual. Grow Business.
That has to be a huge challenge, Jen. At least a spouse will be a little more understanding because he or she knows what it takes to run the business. What a special thing you did to take your dad into your home. You have my undying admiration. : )
Judy Lee Dunn recently posted..Why Am I Here?: Navel Gazing for Writers
Very enjoyable post…and yes, I’ve worked with my husband several times (once it was on an …aquaculture project in Sicily!) but never on a continuing basis. But now we are both retired and see each other a lot more than before. And we both love it! But there’s a trick to it, and I agree with you, the trick is to know when to leave the other alone…
Don’t walk all over his lawn! Or her lawn, I guess…
Claude Nougat recently posted..Boomers Coming of 2.0 Age
Claude,
I had a feeling you would be able to relate. An aquaculture project? I don’t even know what that is. : )
I’ve enjoyed getting to know more about your Boomer Lit efforts. It’s such a cool idea and I’ll be getting more involved soon!
Judy Lee Dunn recently posted..Why Am I Here?: Navel Gazing for Writers
I do remember the first time I figured out you two were married. Personally, I think it’s kind of cool. You have some great advice here for people willing to give it a go. I don’t have a SO right now but I think creative types do well together this way, I would be willing to try it.
The question remains: what do you do when it doesn’t work and is there a way to salvage the the relationship?
Shelina,
That’s a great question. Bob and I were discussing this just today and count ourselves very lucky that “creative differences” (isn’t that what celebrities say when they divorce or part ways?) have never come between us. I honestly think it’s because he has all the creative tech solutions and I work more with text and language. So they complement each other rather than clash with each other.
Judy Lee Dunn recently posted..Why Am I Here?: Navel Gazing for Writers
I follow both of you on twitter and read your blogs yet it wasn’t until recently that I connected the two of you. I think it’s awesome because you two complement one another.
Natasha,
Thanks! We don’t often go out of our way to point out that we are a couple. Sometimes people find out when Bob speaks or presents and he used my blog as some sort of example for something.
I have enjoyed getting to know you better on Twitter. : )
Judy Lee Dunn recently posted..Why Am I Here?: Navel Gazing for Writers
Hi Judy! I had to come over and see what you’ve been up to and look at that; a question I can relate to! My husband and I began our marriage working together! We’ve been at it nearly twenty-seven years and though there have been challenges, it’s been more good than bad! In the middle of it, we evolved into a family business which gave the kids the opportunity to be involved in the start-up of a business. This was a great experience for them and a huge help for us.
We don’t work in the same room. We collaborate when we need to and we meet for meals and the occasional walk in the woods on a good day! I can’t imagine any other kind of life, not for me and not for our kids who had the benefit of both parents in the home. It may not be for everyone, but is is for us!
Lori
Lori Gosselin recently posted..Where is Your Solid Ground?
Lori! So, you know a lot about this topic. I love it that you are describing a family business in every sense of the word. When our daughter came back from Hollywood, for a brief time, she was employed in the business (back when we were called Cat’s Eye Marketing). It was the year we won the Pacific Northwest Family Business of the Year, so it was very special that she could be a part of that.
Aren’t the mid-day walks special? Bob and I don’t fit them in as much anymore, but for a while there, we walked completed around the island every day (5+ miles). Glad to see that it has worked so well for you and your family. And thanks for visiting. I’ve missed you!
Judy Lee Dunn recently posted..Why Am I Here?: Navel Gazing for Writers
5+ miles!?! We walk in the woods, that is when it’s not sub zero weather. We have no problem donning the snowshoes, but problem comes in pulling ourselves away from work to take the walk
Judy, I’d love to have your story for the new series we’re doing The Life of a Blogger! Visit the post by that name and come through the link if you’d like to take part.
Lori
Lori Gosselin recently posted..Where is Your Solid Ground?
Lori,
I’d be honored to be a contributor to your new series. I’ll send you an meal in the next day or to. Thanks for asking. : )
Judy Lee Dunn recently posted.. Guy Kawasaki Hits a Home Run with His New Book, ‘APE’
That’s great Judy!
Lori
Lori Gosselin recently posted..Where is Your Solid Ground?
I hear you! We have worked together for roughly 15 years now and I couldn’t imagine it any other way. We work in the same office, which isn’t big ie I can reach out my arm and just about touch him
We love it but we do try to remember each other’s boundaries. We recently installed a day off each week where we have to leave the house and leave the other one behind to do the days work. It actually took some getting used to but I cherish the day to myself now!
And it’s so nice to see we are not alone!
And yes, I get so tired of the “Oh I could never work with my wife/husband!!” comments….especially when it is implied that it is unhealthy and that we must be very ‘co-dependent’! He is the best life/work partner I could ever want!
Susannah recently posted..The trip in pictures.
Susannah,
That’s quite an arrangement you have there with your “days off.” Unfortunately, it wouldn’t work for us because Bob handles everything tech and I am the writer. I do find that on the days he travels to do training, I get much more writing done because I can really immerse myself in projects.
It’s great to see yet another couple who has made it work. Thanks for sharing.
Judy Lee Dunn recently posted..What I Learned On My 5-Day Social Media Diet
“It’s about knowing when to leave each other alone.”
EXACTLY. : ) Ed and I worked together as missionaries for 6 years. In that job, we had to learn to be together in a way we wouldn’t have at “normal” jobs. And we’re both introverts, so having alone time for recharging batteries was/is vital. We learned when to leave each other alone — and, just as important, that it was *okay* to leave each other alone. I think a lot of couples feel guilt about doing that, even though it’s good for them.
Courtney Cantrell recently posted..Dragons, and Something to Blow Your Nose On
Courtney,
Wow, you have led an interesting life so far. Missionaries? And that would seem top go far beyond a “9-5 job.” I thought Bob and I had our challenges, being passionate about our work and not being able to turn off the shop talk at the end of the day. But you guys must have been “on” all the time.
I think I stopped feeling guilty about the need for “time alone” several years ago. : ) Thanks for sharing here.
Judy Lee Dunn recently posted..Stuff that Matters: A Blogger’s Creed
Yes, we were definitely “on” all the time — even on our so-called “days off.” ; ) It was time and effort well-spent, and I wouldn’t trade away all the joys that went along with it. But still, it wasn’t an easy time of our lives, that’s for sure.
Another good thing, though, is that the mission work taught me about setting boundaries and taking care of myself. My alone time is precious and I must protect it always. : )
Courtney Cantrell recently posted..My #Epic #Fantasy Novel Is Free at Kobo and iTunes!
If you have learned that, then you are a very wise woman. I have so lost track of you. You have welcomed a little one into your home, right? What an exciting time for the two of you! Our “little one” is graduating from Smith College this May. I know that I sound like one of those old ladies, but savor it, because time flies!
Judy Lee Dunn recently posted.. Guy Kawasaki Hits a Home Run with His New Book, ‘APE’
No, you don’t sound like an old lady at all. This is an exciting time for you, too! Yes, we welcomed our little girl into the world in September. Life as new parents is certainly a challenge, even though we are head-over-heels in love with her. My latest blog post details some of the difficulties…including a broken tailbone during delivery. Not fun. But that’s why God gave us physical therapy. ; ) At any rate, I’m loving each new stage of her growth — it’s amazing to watch her learn about her world!
Courtney Cantrell recently posted..5 Things They Don’t Tell You About Being a New Momma
A broken tailbone? Oh no!
A new parent? You will be in awe of her every new thing. When my daughter turned over in her crib for the first time (put her down one way and found her in a completely different position), you would have thought that she had just painted the Sistine Chapel or something. She moved by herself!
And, well, when she pulled herself to her feet using the bars of the crib, I was beside myself. Just don’t make inanimate objects talk to her (unless you want to raise an actress). I made the little bees in the mobile above her crib talk. Later, I gave the candles on the Thanksgiving Day table voices (and had her in tears when it came time to blow them out). Too bad parents don’t get do-overs. Oh yeah, that comes with the second kid, doesn’t it?
Judy Lee Dunn recently posted..On Writing, Christopher Walken and Finding Your ‘Wild Thing’
Aw, that thing with the candles is too adorable! : ) I think I’m more likely to raise a Broadway star, as I narrate our day for her by singing everything. Today I found myself singing the diaper change step by step — and decided I must be losing my mind. But the entertaining of the baby must be done! ; )
Yeah, if you click on the link attached to my previous comment (the “5 Things”), you’ll see the Full Saga of the Broken Tailbone. Not pretty. But I got through it and am recovered enough that my therapist says we’re nearly done with treatment. Still, this is not an adventure I would recommend to anyone!
Courtney Cantrell recently posted..Should a Novel Have a Prologue?
Oh Courtney. Yikes! I will definitely pop over for a read. So glad you got through it.
Years ago, a teacher friend of mine fractured her tailbone. We were on strike for lower class sizes (first and only strike of my life) and, in an attempt to get television coverage for our issues, I had the brilliant idea of picketing on roller skates for one day. My friend was very, very slim and perhaps 6’2″ tallWell, three local TV stations showed up, but then my friend, a second grade teacher, fell. And, boy, when she fell (on the sidewalk), she really fell! I felt like it was somehow my fault. : (
Judy Lee Dunn recently posted..‘To Thine Own Self Be True’: What’s Your ‘Heartsong’?
Oh man, that’s not fun. Did you at least get your lower class sizes for all of your collective pains? You and your friend deserved to be heard after all of that!
Courtney Cantrell recently posted..Give Us This Week Our Weekly Writing Advice
Yes. As I recall, we got lower class sizes for K-3 (kindergarten though 3rd grade) and that is exactly the spot when kids need more individualized attention. It was brutal, though. I was a single parent and the strike went 31 days! Not fun.
Judy Lee Dunn recently posted..‘To Thine Own Self Be True’: What’s Your ‘Heartsong’?
Typically, as a readhead I think I’ll be swimming upstream from everyone else here… I worked with my husband (of 22yrs) and hated it. And him. Couldn’t stand his manner, style or attitude and gave him the nickname Genghis Khan, because he thought his #*it didn’t stink!
.
We both worked (in reasonable adjacent offices) in the marketing department of a cosmetic and fragrance company, so we crossed tracks quite a bit. While we worked together I wouldn’t consider seeing him (one of my cardinal rules) but we ended up together and creating two gorgeous kids – so go figure! In hindsight I think it was ultimately opposites attract.
I have worked with him since (in an unpaid writing capacity) but I would still classify him in my ‘difficult’ client basket.
Di Mace recently posted..First times mean noticing, naming and opening doors
I love your clever way of writing “redhead.” Is that a new definition…a book lover with red hair? Ha!
You know, when I skimmed your comment, at first I thought you said you worked with your husband for 22 years and you hated it. I was, like, wow, you stuck it oput that long? Genghis Khan. Now that’s really funny.
But the partnership with the kids turned out okay, right?
Judy Lee Dunn recently posted..What I Learned On My 5-Day Social Media Diet
Oh yes, together we’re now navigating the murky waters of teenage children ! We’ve just found that we’re better off being separate in work – makes for happier at home
Di Mace recently posted..First times mean noticing, naming and opening doors
I think it is great that you guys have figured out a system that works for you. My father and I talked about going into business together but I was very hesitant about it and didn’t push to make it happen.
It was many years ago and I was really concerned that I would be treated as the son and not as the partner. From time to time I have thought about it and wondered if it would be different now.
I have a ton of experience I didn’t have then and am confident in my ability.
Not sure if I could work with a spouse or not. I kind of go back and forth on that, I suppose it is possible.
Josh recently posted..There Are Places I Remember
Josh,
I think that what you are talking about is something quite different. The parent-child thing is an entirely different dynamic. With spouses, there is at least a sense of being equal. Bob and I just kind of fell into it. We came from very different backgrounds (him a bar manager and me a teacher in the public schools). But we both knew that we wanted something else. And at World Vision, I got the writing experience and he was taken on as an apprentice graphic designer. It just kind of gelled. Hope you are adjusting to your new environment!
Judy Lee Dunn recently posted..Stuff that Matters: A Blogger’s Creed